Chad Johnson Asked By HBO To Head-Butt Wife

14 August 2012 (Miami, FL)

Ex-Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson sits in his South Beach penthouse distraught over the outcome of his recent media ploy of head-butting his newly married wife Evelyn Lozada. The incident not only sparked the star receiver's release from the Dolphins, but also put a large dent in a nearly perfect relationship between Johnson and Lozada. They had the fairy tale courtship, that included meeting on twitter, then cursing each other out, followed by their first date at McDonalds. With his marriage on the rocks and out of a job Johnson now questions his agreement to attract more viewers to HBO’s NFL series “Hard Knocks”. Johnson explained to police on Saturday that the whole head-butting incident was Greg Miller’s (producer of “Hard Knocks”) idea. “I rolled with the black nail polish and profanity filled press conference, both had good results so I thought Greg knew what he was doing with this third stunt,” said a clearly dejected Johnson.

Johnson took Miller’s planned media ruse and ran with it when he drove to his penthouse with Lozada in the passenger seat while she was deciding how to blow all Johnson’s money for the day. Upon arriving to their home Johnson had asked Lozada to retrieve a package from the trunk where Miller had, unbeknownst to Lozada, planted a receipt for a box of condoms. Millers plan worked as expected when Lozada confronted Johnson about the receipt all Johnson had to do was plant his forehead into hers, which he did yelling “GOALLLLLLL!”.

In a statement released today Miller acknowledged his involvement in this past weekend’s domestic dispute and he also pointed out that he “wouldn’t have to do ridiculous shit like this if the dolphins didn’t suck so freaking much.”  Also according to the statement Miller plans next to attract viewers to “Hard Knocks” by doing “something really sick and twisted” with new Dolphins offensive coach Mike Sherman’s deceased mother in zombie form.

Photo Source: http://icgtech.net 

Tebow Confused On "Naked" QB Bootleg

30 July 2012 (Cortland, NY)

The spotlight of New York City is said to make or break a professional athlete. In the case of new New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow it appears to be breaking him. Before Sunday Tebow was having a subpar start to his 2012 training camp, missing throws, fumbling snaps and only averaging about 2,324 mentions on ESPN a day. Tebow’s poor start to preseason football took a turn for the worse when he drastically mistook a play call from new Offensive Coordinator Tony Sparano. “We called a routine naked QB boot,” explained Sparano. “Then things got strange after that.”

According to sources at Sunday’s practice upon receiving the play call Tebow reportedly stripped of his pads, helmet and uniform, an occurrence that was unbeknownst to center Nick Mangold. Mangold was “freakin’ weirded out” when he felt two extra balls upon him snapping the football. Tebow then took the exchange from center and scampered all the way to the end zone naked, a sight that left defense captain Bart Scott utterly “scared of crazy ass white boys”. “We were getting ready for 7 on 7, which I couldn’t wait for!” Scott yelled like a psychopathic murderer for some obscure reason. “Then I saw this dude over here [Tebow] literally streaking down the field.”

Many of Tebow's teammates have denounced the run, but slimmer and well known sexually perverse Rex Ryan said it was the “greatest play” he’s seen. “The way his feet…moved down the field, was just magical,” an entranced-like Ryan stated. “I’ll probably need to spend more time in the film room with it though.”

Several people believe that the nude run was an egotistical media stunt, a belief that is held by Tebow’s current training camp roommate Chaz Schilens. Schilens noted that on Saturday Tebow spent hours in the bathroom, when Schilens went to see if the star backup QB was all right he said he saw Tebow “filming himself naked in the mirror with a football”. “When Tim saw me he yelled for me to get out and that the video was for some Make-a-Wish kid,” said Schilens.

Despite his on field frolic and poor preseason play, Tim Tebow is expected to become the starting QB for the Jets at some point this season because New Yorkers have become “pretty sure” Mark Sanchez is Mexican. Sanchez has adamantly denied this claim that was abruptly manifested after Tebow was traded from the Broncos in the spring. Regardless of the Jet’s relative success with Sanchez at quarterback Rex Ryan is expected to go with the highly overrated quarterback due to pressure from various sport networks.

Millions of Americans Set to Feign Interest in 2012 Olympics

26 July 2012 (London, England)

With the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Summer Olympics only one day away, millions of Americans are preparing to pretend like they really care. Foreign made US apparel is flying off the shelves to help keep the allusion that countless Americans are doing their best to support their nations athletes as they begin competition in London. “Wal-Mart has amazing sales on their Bulgarian produced US apparel,” said 43 year-old indifferent US Olympic supporter Hillary Klein. “All you need is some red white and blue clothing and you look like you’re ready to cheer on Michael Stelps.”

The US Olympians themselves are also set to show off their American pride at tomorrow evening’s festivities. American athletes will be donning red, white, and blue Chinese made Ralph Lauren uniforms that consist of an English looking sports coat and a French style beret. Many of the nation’s athletes are elated to be able to represent their country at tomorrow night’s ceremonies, including 18 year-old US gymnast Elizabeth Price. “I’m so excited! I’m really looking forward to meeting all new types of ethnicities. I’ll probably never be around this much diversity again so I really want to soak it all up while I can,” Price exclaimed as she talked about her teams scheduled bus ride with the US basketball team.

Unbeknownst to many aloof US Olympic followers, some competitions have already been started. Yesterday the US women’s soccer team delivered a 4-2 victory against France in their opening match. The win had many Olympic fans feeling “very normal” and “not urged to celebrate by any means” according to 33 year old Scott Douglas. Douglas mockingly continued saying, “What’s new? America beat France again at something. I’m sure they’ve gotten used to that since the revolutionary war.”

Numerous Americans have called for an overhaul of the Summer Olympics for some time now. Americans have been trying to make the games more watchable with suggestions such as, eliminating events like speed walking, or changing the names of foreign competitors to more easily pronounced American sounding names.

US International Olympic Committee (IOC) representative Tom Seymour agrees with these types of suggestion and said “the Olympics could definitely use more American stuff in them.” Seymour’s personal suggestions include adding American style football events, having it always be in a US city, and eliminating all foreign competitors. “Don’t get me wrong,” Seymour asserted “we’ve begun to see more and more American aspects progressively being added to the Olympics. The 32,000 sq. ft. McDonalds is a nice Americanized addition this year.”

Tomorrow is the official start to the 2012 Olympics, leaving many perplexed on how to simulate genuine interest in the international event. For the overachieving pretender, NBC will continuously have events and coverage on its family of networks, allowing for Americans to leave it on in the background while they do other things around the house or play games on their iPads. For the common apathetic viewer NBC has also developed a small Picture-In-Picture (PIP) set up that will allow users to continue to watch their favorite television program on any network, but also make it seem like they are captivated by an ongoing Olympic event. A statement released by NBC concerning the PIP option cited the company’s realization that “Americans are equally disinterested in NBC programming and the Olympics alike. Therefore another option had to be created so the rest of the world believes that we actually care about all these bullshit events.” NBC’s programming department showed “unusually high” viewing numbers from the 2008 summer games according to the company’s statement. With more options and further increased American apathy towards Olympic competitions, NBC analysts predict their largest Olympic “Kind of viewed” audience ever. Starting this year’s Summer Olympics with a high hope of American indifference. 

Photo Source: http://tinyurl.com/cfye2pc

Jesus: "Enough 'Call Me Maybe' Videos Already"

25 July, 2012 (Pearly Gates, Heaven)

Early Wednesday afternoon a clearly annoyed Jesus Christ called a press conference regarding the highly popular craze of creating lip-synced dance videos of performing artist Carly Rae Jepsen’s song “Call Me Maybe”.  “I got is at first,” said Jesus “but c’mon guys I paid for your sins and you repay me with this crap?”

The “Call Me Maybe” video frenzy began when a van full of clearly creative Harvard Baseball players recorded their seated dance while traveling between games. The YouTube video left many with the same reaction of 16 year-old Melany Rosewood who said, “I’ve never seen anything so entertaining. The way they mouthed the words, popped people up from under seats, and had those three intricate arm movements.”

Soon after the baseball team’s video went viral more and more began to surface, an occurrence that clearly has Jesus frustrated. “It’s one thing to have a few spin-offs, but for thousands of people to try and do the same sort of gag over and over again is just plain ridiculous,” Jesus said. “Especially if its children under 8 [years-old] or active military personnel, that crap will be on Good Morning America the very next day.”

With the rise of social media the nation has seen many new viral fads, including “planking” and “Tebowing”. The latter involves a person taking to a knee and posing in that act of prayer. This trend stemmed from the touchdown celebration of former Denver Bronco's quarterback and all around good guy Tim Tebow. Jesus, ironically, never publicly denounced this social media obsession.

The Holy Savior concluded his press conference with an unsettling message, “I do have some pretty good connections with the Big Guy” Jesus stated, “and I know what people think might happen on December 21^st this year. Now, I’m not one to make threats, but if I have to keep seeing this garbage those damn Mayans may turn out to be right after all.”

Jesus’ public relations representative quickly responded to the press conference by saying that the Messiah is just “worn out” and that the threat of the apocalypse “should not be taken seriously”. The representative also hinted at some dating issues that may have played a part in Jesus’ out-of-character press conference. The Messiah reportedly also has a planned retreat to Vegas this weekend for some rest and relaxation. When asked about the trip Jesus confirmed and replied “Yeah the trip is for some ‘rest’. I also plan to one-up that doucher Chris Angel.”

Photo Source: http://tinyurl.com/c83v2fq

"Now That's What I Call Music!", Finally Not Calling It Music Anymore

24 July, 2012 (New York, NY)


After 42 installments of compilation albums Virgin Records is halting CD production of their “Now That’s What I Call Music” tittles. Founder of Virgin Records Richard Branson was quoted about the Now! cancellation as saying “People just aren’t calling this crap music anymore.” Branson understands that he is leaving hundreds of the worlds Now! fans with slightly less options for obtaining their favorite popular hits, but cites a lack of his interest in the Now! franchise as a key factor to the tittles cancellation. “I’m trying to fly people to freakin’ space,” Branson exclaimed while riding a Segway around his luxurious New York City penthouse. “I really can’t devote any resources to continuing this CD production at this time.”

The resource Branson was alluding to was Virgin Records’ Now! department, which consists solely of Timothy Brown, the head of CD Creations. Brown has been working tirelessly in his mother’s basement since the first Now! CD was released in 1998. “Yes it’s really stressful at times, but at the end of the day it’s a really rewarding process,” stated Brown. He further went on to explain the process of making a Now! CD hit, which starts by spending about 10 minutes every other week researching the nations most popular songs on the radio. After collecting his data Brown then begins his “artistic process” of song ordering for the upcoming Now! Cd. “The order of songs is a huge factor to whether or not the CD really connects with the listener,” Brown exclaimed. ‘Unless you’re one of the heartless bastards that uses the shuffle button on your CD player...people still use CD players right?”

The highly successful Now! franchise is not marked without controversy though. The CD Creation team consisted of dual creators until the 2000 release of Now 4! when it contained the current head of Now! creation, Timothy Brown, and Larry Johnson the current head of CD Creations for Kidz Bop. 

“Before ‘Kidz Bop’ Johnson and Brown were a dynamic force in the song selection industry and had a rock-solid friendship,” a source close to the two producers said. The source also clarified that a “very heated argument” over the inclusion of Eiffel 65’s “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” sparked the duos separation.  When asked about the issue Johnson stated “The song was horrible. They just made up words and said ‘blue’ a bunch of times. Would you pay for a CD that had a voice like Steven Hawking singing on it? No.”

When asked about the Eiffel 65 controversy Brown did not wish to comment about Johnson, but Brown was quick to point out that Now! 4 was one of the most popular tittles of the franchise. “That was one of the most gratifying CDs of someone else’s songs I have ever put together,” asserted Brown.

After the departure Jonson really took some shots at the Now! franchise that upset may in the song selection industry. Johnson was quoted as saying that “any idiot with LimeWire and a CD burner” could do what Now! turned into a lucrative music enterprise.  When asked how Kidz Bop was any different than Now! Johnson replied, “Kidz Bop is not just selecting a popular song and reselling it like Now!. It’s selecting a popular song, then having a chorus of subpar vocally talented kids sing the lyrics, then reselling it.”

No matter Johnson’s views of Now! records that fact remains that the surprising relevant CD production will ultimately be discontinued. This point leaves many like 64 year-old Annette Scott wondering what she will get as stocking stuffers for her 7 and 8 year-old grandchildren. “Walmart always had Now! CDs in their clearance bins and they were a no brainer for 99¢,” said a dejected Scott. However, Scott did note that the CDs would usually be forgotten at her house and that she would normally turn them into “fancy hanging sun reflectors” on her back porch come summer.

At the end many questions still remain about the Now! records cancellation; what will happen to Timothy Brown, how will record companies poach more money from out-of-touch music buyers, what other infomercials will be shown late night on various TV networks, and have people really been buying this crap, are some examples. These questions are just a few that will be answered in time, but for now the one lone fact remains that the Now! era will soon cease to exist. Leaving hundreds with one less option to obtain 5 songs they like, 5 songs they think are ok, and 5 songs they generally skip over. 

Photo Source: http://tinyurl.com/dyzlnrq

NCAA Fines PSU $60 Mil, Bans Bowl Games, New Batman Movie

23 July 2012 (State College, PA)

At 9:00 am Monday morning NCAA President Mark Emmert announced sanctions and penalties against Penn State University's football program due to the ongoing abuse scandal. The most egregious penalties include a $60 million dollar fine, a 4-year postseason bowl ban, and a 3-year ban of university officials from seeing Christopher Nolan's new summer hit "The Dark Knight Rises". The latter of the three punishments shocked the Nittany Lion community the most.

“$60 Million Dollars?” current Penn State President Rodney Erickson started, “No problem, we make that in just one football season alone. But the denial of University Official’s right to view ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ cripples our university beyond means.” Erickson continued saying that the penalty will affect recruitment efforts the most with his “coaching staffs inability to relate to whether or not Batman dies at the end.”

Penn State’s football recruitment efforts were already thought to be out of date since 2001 when sources close to the staff said that the 74 year-old Joe Paterno began to highlight the university’s “nifty weight thingies” and the schools knack of throwing a “jim-dandy” of a shuffleboard tournament.  Some recruits that were interviewed additionally said that the glorified Paterno would take them and their families out to dinner around “3:30 pm or 4:00 pm” then take a quick nap at the family's home before departing for the evening.

The sentiment of Erickson; however, is not unanimously felt around State College. 2009 Penn State graduate Hunter Langel said that he feels “the sanction on “The Dark Knight Rises” gives hope that something like this [abuse scandal] will never happen again.” Some students agreed with Langel but as one would suspect the feeling on campus is a split one. Take for instance current PSU Junior Greg Kosar, who, along with his Omega Sigma fraternity brothers, is planning on finding the recently removed Joe Paterno statue and taking it to see Christian Bale battle Tom Hardy. “The thought that Joe Pa wouldn’t be able to watch this movie kills me,” said Kosar. “He was never one to turn his back on an event as big as ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ release.”

Amidst the movie controversy is the fact that Penn State will also forfeit 10 scholarships this year and 20 the next 4 years. Although, this loss of scholarships is widely believed not to deter the football program in anyway due to Penn State boosters continuing to provide large cash gifts to players, a routine practice around Division-I college football.

NCAA President Emmert has also sent a letter of suggestion to Big Ten commissioner James Delany recommending that the two worst teams in the conference play in an annual “Sandusky Bowl”. Emmert reportedly recommended that the loser of the game would have to house soon-to-be convicted sex offender Jerry Sandusky until the following years Bowl game.

No matter how you look at the penalties posed to Penn State and their football program the fact remains that this form of abuse was an unprecedented occurrence in college sports. The sentence of “The Dark Knight Rises” ban will not only give victims and their families some form of justice, but it will also send a clear message across Division-I football that corrupt programs will be decisively disciplined from here on out.  NCAA President Emmert concluded his press conference by saying that he “know(s) ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ was not as epic as ‘The Dark Knight’, but, besides for Jerry, not seeing Anne Hathaway in a Catwoman costume is one of the best forms of punishment I know.”

Photo Source: Joe Robbins/Getty Images http://tinyurl.com/csj9fmo