26 July 2012 (London, England)
With the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Summer
Olympics only one day away, millions of Americans are preparing to pretend like
they really care. Foreign made US apparel is flying off the shelves to help
keep the allusion that countless Americans are doing their best to support
their nations athletes as they begin competition in London. “Wal-Mart has
amazing sales on their Bulgarian produced US apparel,” said 43 year-old
indifferent US Olympic supporter Hillary Klein. “All you need is some red white
and blue clothing and you look like you’re ready to cheer on Michael Stelps.”
The US Olympians themselves are also set to show
off their American pride at tomorrow evening’s festivities. American athletes
will be donning red, white, and blue Chinese made Ralph Lauren uniforms that
consist of an English looking sports coat and a French style beret. Many of the
nation’s athletes are elated to be able to represent their country at tomorrow
night’s ceremonies, including 18 year-old US gymnast Elizabeth Price. “I’m so
excited! I’m really looking forward to meeting all new types of ethnicities.
I’ll probably never be around this much diversity again so I really want to
soak it all up while I can,” Price exclaimed as she talked about her teams
scheduled bus ride with the US basketball team.
Unbeknownst to many aloof US Olympic followers,
some competitions have already been started. Yesterday the US women’s soccer
team delivered a 4-2 victory against France in their opening match. The win had
many Olympic fans feeling “very normal” and “not urged to celebrate by any
means” according to 33 year old Scott Douglas. Douglas mockingly continued saying,
“What’s new? America beat France again at something. I’m sure they’ve gotten
used to that since the revolutionary war.”
Numerous Americans have called for an overhaul
of the Summer Olympics for some time now. Americans have been trying to make
the games more watchable with suggestions such as, eliminating events like
speed walking, or changing the names of foreign competitors to more easily
pronounced American sounding names.
US International Olympic Committee (IOC)
representative Tom Seymour agrees with these types of suggestion and said “the
Olympics could definitely use more American stuff in them.” Seymour’s personal
suggestions include adding American style football events, having it always be
in a US city, and eliminating all foreign competitors. “Don’t get me wrong,”
Seymour asserted “we’ve begun to see more and more American aspects
progressively being added to the Olympics. The 32,000 sq. ft. McDonalds is a
nice Americanized addition this year.”
Tomorrow is the official start to the 2012 Olympics,
leaving many perplexed on how to simulate genuine interest in the international
event. For the overachieving pretender, NBC will continuously have events and
coverage on its family of networks, allowing for Americans to leave it on in
the background while they do other things around the house or play games on
their iPads. For the common apathetic viewer NBC has also developed a small
Picture-In-Picture (PIP) set up that will allow users to continue to watch
their favorite television program on any network, but also make it seem like
they are captivated by an ongoing Olympic event. A statement released by NBC
concerning the PIP option cited the company’s realization that “Americans are
equally disinterested in NBC programming and the Olympics alike. Therefore
another option had to be created so the rest of the world believes that we
actually care about all these bullshit events.” NBC’s programming department
showed “unusually high” viewing numbers from the 2008 summer games according to
the company’s statement. With more options and further increased American
apathy towards Olympic competitions, NBC analysts predict their largest Olympic
“Kind of viewed” audience ever. Starting this year’s Summer Olympics with a
high hope of American indifference.
Photo Source: http://tinyurl.com/cfye2pc
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